IVE BEEN SILENT FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS AND IM DONE BEING SILENT PLEASE HELP ME GET BACK TO MY BABIES

I honestly dont even know where to start anymore because how the hell do you explain almost 3 years of absolute torture and watching your entire life fall apart while the people who caused so much of it just keep going like nothing happened I never thought in a million years I would be sitting here begging complete strangers to please help me I have worked since I was 15 years old and spent my entire life taking care of people and raising my children and I never imagined I would end up with no stable home no reliable transportation my health falling apart and worst of all almost 3 years of my babies lives that I will NEVER get back I have been silent about so much for so long because I was scared and honestly I still am I am scared because I have watched what I know are lies being told about me over and over again and somehow people just keep believing them I am scared because I feel like my husband has been able to turn people against me and completely alienate me from the very children I spent my life protecting and I am scared because I dont know how much more my children or I can take he’s even turned my blood against me and that blows my mind as my grandmother watched what we went through and I’ll never understand 

people have absolutely no idea what went on behind closed doors in my marriage the screaming the yelling the humiliation the constant degrading the installment in your head that no one will want u and your washed up with 5 kids cut up like sally as when I lost my life they made a huge cut in my belly and I was self conscious about it and the constant feeling that you were walking on eggshells because nothing u ever did was enough u would wake up everyday to think i have to do this this and this and maybe he will be happy  you never knew what was going to happen next there were times I would literally lock myself in a room just to get away from his mouth he would constantly kick me and the kids out imagine being a mother trying to raise your children and never knowing when you were going to be told to get the fuck out of your own home because he had too much to drink  never knowing when another screaming match was going to start for some bs he made up in his head or when you and your babies were going to have to leave I was trying so hard to keep some kind of stability for my children while living in a situation where I never felt safe or secure as I was reminded I came with nothing I’ll leave with nothing on a daily basis and there were times I was so broken down that I would literally end up on the bathroom floor crying and begging my nanna to please help me get out I remember being on that bathroom floor the last time on a pic line cut in half bawling feeling completely helpless and just wanting somebody to come save us begging my nana to help us get out her response was get better and go after the last incident when I said enough is enough he went After my oldest all day while he was coming down we were cleaning out the garage making him a gym as we thought it would make him happy The children Had friends over the little ones had a lon axe stand going as the oldest ones and I cleaned and had put all the old bikes and moterized cars my ex had been bitching about taking room I sold 2 as there was 3 bikes and 3 cars sold one of each he woke up in a complete range and went After my son as my son defended me my dad and his gf had to intervene as I was trying to hurry and clean everything up as he was livid that we had a lemonade stand and tried to get rid of the things he wanted gone I didnt know what else to do anymore I promised my oldest after what happened that I would get us out so I did I was terrified of leaving because of the threats my husband had made about taking my children away and the tribe would make sure and now I’m living that nightmare as the courts failed me and my health is declining as he took my medical away on  purpose despite court orders   even when I was fighting for my life medically the screaming and demands didnt stop I was in the ICU fighting to survive instead of being with me supporting me he was screaming at me about getting the kids taken care of and how he was going to go to jail because of me yet he put his hands on me for no reason I think about how fucking cruel that felt I was literally fighting for my life and instead of being able to focus on surviving I was still being made to feel responsible for everything I was already terrified I wasnt going to make it home to my babies as the infectious doctor with tears in her eyes said this is the last antibiotic we have to try we have tried them all if this doesn’t work it’s my time my first thought was all my baby’s who’s going to protect them my heart sank I was so scared I was in pain and scared and dealing with a medical emergency that killed me and somehow I was still being screamed at about taking care of everybody else I didnt need somebody screaming at me I needed help I needed compassion I needed someone to understand that I was fighting to stay alive non of my so called family other than my dad came to see me and I remember feeling like even being close to death wasnt enough for me to be treated with kindness I had spent so much of my life taking care of everyone else and when I needed someone to take care of me I felt completely alone as I’m so alone now and to think back I did everything I can for people and still do 

and it wasnt just me he treated that way he treated my children horribly too my oldest son Braiden would be in tears because of how badly he was degraded and I cannot even explain what that does to a mother to look at your baby crying because someone has made him feel worthless and knowing that no matter how many times you tell him how amazing he is those words are still going to hurt him I remember the screaming I remember the fear and I remember looking at my children and knowing this was not the life they deserved I have also raised concerns about physical harm to my children and things they have said that absolutely terrified me and I have spent years trying to get people to take those concerns seriously I wanted my babies to grow up knowing what love was supposed to feel like not screaming not humiliation not being afraid in their own home

and the worst part is that my ex knew exactly what would destroy me he would bring up his connections to the Redding Rancheria and tell me if I ever left him I would never see my children again he told me he would destroy me and him a his friend Janna would make sure of it and now here I am almost 3 years later living the exact fucking nightmare I was so terrified of I wasnt trying to take anything away from him I wanted the abuse to stop I wanted my children to be safe and somehow I became the one who lost almost everything I was the one who was there for our babies every day I was the one taking care of them making sure they were fed loved and getting the services and support they needed I was the one taking them to appointments and comforting them when they were sick or scared I was their mommy their safe place and their protector and now somehow I am the one who has been pushed completely out of their lives how the hell does that make sense how can somebody spend years taking care of their children and then suddenly be treated like they dont belong in their lives anymore

I have spent almost 3 years trying to get visits FaceTime calls birthdays holidays and just the opportunity to be their mother I have raised concerns about court orders and a judicial error not being corrected and actual orders not followed including parenting time counseling and classes I have tried to get people to look at what happened with the September 2023 emergency custody orders I obtained emergency orders on September 15 2023 and I have spent years questioning how everything that happened afterward was handled I have raised concerns about whether I was properly served with earlier paperwork and why orders I believed protected my children were not enforced the way I should be  I have questioned decisions in our custody case and the involvement of Tribal in our divorce while Shasta County retained custody and visitation matters I respect my childrens heritage but I dont respect nor understand their own tribe hurting them maliciously or why my concerns about threats and fairness have felt so ignored

and I have tried to explain what happened with Janna Howard I have raised serious concerns about her involvement her lies defamation perjury and abuse of power  and shee a  conflicts of interest the  false accusations the defamation the gaslighting is ridiculous she illegally got involved in matters affecting my children when my ex  her how the tribal judge said she didn’t understand tribal children and why her lies with no evidence no cps case and no paperwork  seemed to carry so much weight I have also raised concerns about statements made by Lacey Stutzman that were false and misleading and contributed to what happened to my family I have messages records and things I have been trying to get reviewed and I am not asking strangers to decide who is guilty of what I am asking why the hell nobody seems willing to look at the whole picture look at the threats look at the abuse I have described look at the emergency orders look at the paperwork instead of bs rumors look at the  years I spent raising and protecting our children look at the financial devastation abuse look at what has happened to my health and most importantly LOOK AT MY INNOCENT CHILDREN because they are the ones losing years of their childhood with their mommy they are the ones who cant get that time back my baby girl doesn’t know me I never lost my children to cops I never did drugs I never abused I solely was a a victim of complete lies a confused fill in judge and put in hardship of a scorned  man I’m scared to post this because of him but I need help 

and one of the most heartbreaking parts of this entire nightmare is what my own family has done to me because while I was going through absolute hell and trying to survive everything that happened in my marriage my own family was standing behind the very person I was trying to get away from they should have been proud instead they cheered. My abuser on  money isn’t everything and you damn well are far from Christians do you have any idea what that does to someone to finally find the courage to leave someone who hurt you and your kids for years it took 8 years of hard core therapy and losing my life to leave for and then watch the people who are supposed to love you and protect you turn around and support him people who should have known how hard I worked and how much I loved my children people who should have known how much I was suffering instead I was abandoned by my own family while they were cheering on the abuser

and now one of the things that has absolutely shattered my heart is what has happened with my oldest son my the same little boy I watched cry because of the horrible things that were said to him the same child I tried so hard to protect that I did everything for  and now I am hearing statements from him that blow my mind and aren’t true and he seem to support the very person I was trying to protect him from all of a sudden I dont even know how to explain how much that hurts because I remember what happened I remember the tears I remember the screaming I remember being the one trying to comfort my children when everything around us was falling apart and now somehow the entire story feels like it has been turned around and I am being made out to be the bad person HOW THE HELl DID WE GET HERE how did trying to protect my children turn into losing them how did speaking up about abuse turn into people treating me like I was the problem how did the people who were supposed to stand beside me become the people I feel like I have to defend myself against the people helping to abuse my children 

and the hardest part is that I dont blame my son for being caught in the middle of all of this it was my fault staying so long I dont know everything he has heard or what he has been through during the time we have been apart I dont know what kind of pressure he may be feeling or how he is trying to make sense of everything but I know I love him I know I remember the little boy who cried and I know that no matter what he says about me I will always be his mommy I am not going to stop loving my child because he says something that hurts me I am not going to give up on him because our relationship has been damaged I just wish somebody would stop and think about what years of conflict and separation can do to a child because this is not just about me being hurt THIS IS ABOUT AN ENTIRE FAMILY THAT HAS BEEN TORN APART

and I am sitting here watching the people I love become strangers to me and forever my enemy while I am still trying to understand how any of this was allowed to happen I have lost my marriage my home my financial security my health I lost my hope I lost faith in the system and so many people I thought would never abandon me and now I feel like I am losing pieces of my own children too that is a kind of heartbreak I wouldnt wish on anybody and no time doesn’t make it better I dont want my son attacked or blamed I want him to be okay I want him to feel safe enough to speak honestly about whatever he has experienced I want him to know that he does not have to choose between loving his parents and I want him to know that there is absolutely nothing he could ever say that would make me stop loving him because even after everything that has happened even after all the accusations and the years we have lost HE IS STILL MY BABY my first love I just pray he does right in my life time as I’m Not promised 5 minutes I will always love him

my youngest has grown up so much without me I have missed birthdays Christmas mornings holidays school memories and all those little everyday moments that people take for granted I have missed bedtime stories and hugs and hearing about their days I have missed being the person they run to when they are scared and it absolutely destroys me the constant pain I feel is getting unbaring I worry constantly about what my children have been told about me I worry that they think I abandoned them I worry about how they are coping and whether they understand how much I love them my son Momo has autism and before all of this he had important services and support including IHSS respite and autism related services were forfeited or interrupted and I worry about what that has meant for him I remember my son begging me not to leave him again and those words have never left my heart I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE MY BABIES I never wanted any of this

and while all of this was happening I wasnt just sitting around doing nothing I HAVE WORKED MY ASS OFF MY ENTIRE LIFE I started working when I was around 15 years old at Marie Callenders and worked there on and off for years I worked at JCPenney and I have spent years working in caregiving including IHSS and CFB Incorporated I have been taking care of people since I was a teenager and even while fighting for my own children I was taking care of my ex my dad his girlfriend and 2 other children I was still working IHSS I even opened my own cleaning business trying to build something for myself and get back on my feet I was literally taking care of other peoples families while I was fighting just to be allowed to take care of my own

do you know how fucking heartbreaking that is to spend your days helping other people making sure they are fed and comfortable and taken care of and then at night sit there crying because you cant even tuck your own babies into bed to clean somebody elses house while you dont even have a stable home of your own to take care of someone who is sick while your own body is falling apart and deteriorating but who helped u my ex and his children literally dissapesred after a I love u then never a word  I kept working I kept helping people I kept trying to survive and I kept fighting for my babies even when I was exhausted and hurting so badly from my health I could barely stand and now after all those years of taking care of everybody else I am the one begging someone to please help me I HAVE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY WHILE FEELING LIKE NOBODY WAS THERE TO TAKE CARE OF ME

and my health is not something small in 2022 I nearly died I have Protein S deficiency which is a serious blood clotting disorder and I developed dangerous complications that required emergency surgery I battled sepsis and spent time in intensive care I needed a PICC line and powerful antibiotics and there were times I honestly didnt know if I was going to survive I have been through so much medically and I am still dealing with chronic pain swelling exhaustion and days where I can barely walk or stand I have struggled with him taking my health insurance and doctors and all access to the care I need and through all of that I have still been trying to fight for my children do you know what it feels like to be terrified that your health is going to take you away before you ever get to hold your babies again because that is a fear I live with I have already lost almost 3 years and I am terrified of losing more I am terrified that something is going to happen to me and my babies will grow up thinking their mommy didnt love them enough to come back WHEN THE TRUTH IS I HAVE NEVER STOPPED TRYING

and then there is the financial devastation I have spent years trying to get financial support and answers about money property taxes and things from our marriage I have raised concerns about financial control and what happened to assets and accounts I feel like my husband has had the resources to keep fighting while I have been left trying to figure out where I am going to sleep and how I am going to get medical help I have lost my home I dont have reliable transportation I am struggling with storage expenses and terrified of losing what little I have left as its now on lien I dont need anything 

 I desperately need a reliable vehicle as its court ordered and it wa made sure to ruin mine without transportation it is so much harder to get to court legal appointments and opportunities to work toward seeing my children I dont want to be sitting here asking for money I want to be working I want to be independent I want to have a home I want to be able to take care of myself and my babies again but I have spent almost 3 years fighting through one nightmare after another and I am at a point where I cannot do everything alone anymore

and what really hurts is how many people have believed things about me without ever asking me what happened I have watched people turn their backs on me people I thought knew me people I thought would at least listen and I have sat here wondering how somebody can be treated so badly and then somehow be made out to be the problem for trying to protect themselves and their children I know I am not perfect I have made mistakes like everybody else but I know what I lived through I know how much I loved and cared for my children and I know I did not deserve to lose everything because I wanted the abuse to stop

and even through all this absolute fucking hell there are 2 people I will forever be grateful for and thats Jeff and Charlotte because without them I honestly dont know where I would be right now I would have been out on the streets with absolutely nowhere to go Jeff and Charlotte have stood beside me through the tears the breakdowns the hospital stays and some of the darkest moments of my entire life they have seen me completely fall apart they have seen me hurting physically and emotionally and they have seen what this nightmare has done to me and they still stood by me

and what hurts bad is that my own blood didnt give a damn not once have they checked on me not once have they asked if I was okay or if I needed anything not even when I was in the hospital or fighting through some of the hardest moments of my life I have spent my entire life taking care of everybody else and when I was the one who needed somebody my own family was nowhere to be found and somehow these 2 people have shown me more love compassion and kindness than my own family has shown me in my entire life

they didnt have to help me they didnt have to open their hearts to me or stand beside me through all of this but they did when I felt like the entire world had turned its back on me they were there when I had nothing left and didnt know how the hell I was going to make it through another day they gave me a reason to believe there were still good people in this world and I dont think they will ever truly understand how much that means to me because when you have spent years being hurt abandoned and made to feel like you dont matter having somebody genuinely care about you means absolutely everything

I will forever be grateful for Jeff and Charlotte and no matter what happens in my life I will never forget what they have done for me sometimes family isnt the people you share blood with sometimes its the people who stand beside you when your whole fucking world is falling apart and Jeff and Charlotte stood beside me when I needed somebody the most I LOVE AND APPRECIATE THEM MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER EXPLAIN

I dont want revenge I dont want to destroy anybody I just want the truth to be heard and my childrens well being to finally come first I want someone to look at the big picture instead of one accusation or one piece of paperwork I want my concerns to be reviewed fairly and I want the chance to rebuild my relationship with my babies safely and legally because I cannot get those years back I cannot get back their birthdays I cannot get back Christmas mornings I cannot get back the nights I should have been there to tuck them into bed and that pain is something I will carry for the rest of my life

PLEASE I AM BEGGING FOR SOMEONE TO GIVE US A HAND

if you can help with a donation a reliable used vehicle a safe place to stay storage expenses or even just sharing my story I would be more grateful than I could ever explain I am not asking anyone to fix my entire life I am asking for a chance to get back on my feet a chance to get to my medical and court appointments a chance to have a stable place to live a chance to keep pursuing my childrens safety and reunification through the legal process and most importantly a chance to be their mommy again

I want to hear their laughter I want to make them breakfast I want to help with homework I want to hold them when they cry I want to tell them every single day how much they are loved I want them to know that no matter what anybody has said about me their mommy NEVER stopped loving them and I want them to know that even when I had almost nothing left I never gave up on them

I have survived abuse I have survived nearly dying I have survived losing my home and almost everything I worked for and somehow I am still here trying but I am exhausted and I am scared and I need help please dont just see another person asking for donations see a mother who has been through absolute hell and is still trying to find her way back to her children see a woman who worked since she was 15 years old and spent her life taking care of other people see someone who is sick and hurting but still trying to survive and please see my babies who have already lost so much time with their mommy

I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring I dont know how much longer it is going to take to get through all of this but I do know that I love my children more than anything in this world and I would give absolutely anything just to hold them again

PLEASE DONT LET US LOSE ANY MORE TIME