



This is the hardest thing Ive not only had to face but if only I could put into words the pain for accepting it's the best option and now moving forward with I'd only publicly speaking and shame and guilt that comes with needing help. I am Amanda W. A 32 year old mother who doesn't even know how to ask for the help or what I need but I search for either the most loving family who could replace the birth mother and father's place of a beautiful baby girl just to know that she is 100% provided for cared for and feels important and doesn't start life under my surroundings circumstances. She deserves to be somebody's world someone's dream come true a blessing.
I don't believe in waiting till the last minute to having a plan b and in this situation is the most important thing any woman can experience and that is the birth of a child but sometimes it just happens to be at the worst time or low in a persons life that they are blessed with a baby. I am due in August. This baby is a blessing 100%.
As a couple we fear if we some how can't pull something together before she is born and she is taken or placed into the foster system. I am a high risk pregnancy and still am on risk alert unable to physically work. Her father was so happy to think of having him self a princess but due to documentation and trying to get a visa to legally live and work her we are starting to not only see the hope dying with in each other but the faith is becoming fragile and I never thought my faith could be tested so hard..

I think we began to started considering adoption when we were forced to signing my son who is 14 months over to my sister after my spouse lost his job and soon we lost our house. After a little less then a month of his family allowing us to stay on the couch in a two bedroom house that was already trying to house 6 people... needless to say tension met its peak. We decided even if it wasn't comfortable we would stay at a r.v. park or something just long enough to gather the money to move to a home or even apartment. The heat was a unexpected and as parents we knew this was not ok for our young son. He went to stay with my sister and she naturally fell in love. Great full for her kind ness for my son but was devastated the same week I found out I was 5 months pregnant I was also served court papers that she wanted to take full guardian ship and wasn't looking to just help as Aunt but wanted to take over as mom.
If things weren't breaking me enough I sure feel as with a small fire of the trailer in the space next to us took away the van we literally watched as what feels like our only chance of getting and keeping our family together catch fire and burn. Now I am even further from saving my children….
After being only a few days into the month when the fire occurred. We literally had to walk away from the park with nothing more then shorts and my partners Mitch matching flip flops. No I.d. for my self no longer having the any cash after paying the park rental space. Empty handed the weight of the situation not only was more then I could handle but more then what my heart condition was able to take on at once….now putting me on a risk pregnancy for the remainder my second and third trimesters. We talked to the uncle who unfortunately was now helping the nephew and his small family after they had unfortunate events and was no longer able to keep their home. A two bedroom with that many people and the depression we were experiencing was too much. After everyone was just appearing broken inside the home. We eventually stuck a old crib mattress inside the back of a spare truck bed one night as we laid to pry over a shooting star for some kind of answer… before we knew it we had built a small shade around the top and eventually around the side out of plastic. Over this short time this spare truck bed has become the only source of stability around us. Allowing us to climb inside and at least for a second not feel as if we are not only failing as parents but the entire world is literally watching us do it! I have a college degree and never have not provided my self or family with a home. Our basic needs were comfortably met and we got to enjoy a great amount of our wants… but I feel I am a prisoner of unfortunate events that literally will destroy not only me as a person but a chance to raise my children together… that big brother and little sister experience will become a distant fantasy and i fear my beautiful babies will become angry lost adults not understanding why things are the way they are…..


We had to take a hard look at the situation and was informed that if we went before a judge with no home and no consistency with work and now we have no transportation in that he would sever the rights and here in Arizona if any situation your rights are severed and there is a baby born within 2 years no important what conditions are at the current time DCS gets involved and tries to automatically remove the second child. Facing that I know in the moment I have nothing amazing to provide for my son he's comfortable and clean and I'm risking losing my daughter along with him was devastating. I am a hard working mother whom can't seem to wrap my head around why this is happening. And my children are my world ….. with out them tomorrow seems hopeless until I remember I am caring this blessing inside me.
I feel like I've failed and if something close to a miracle doesn't happen soon then our goal is to make her a miracle. I am writing this from the wounded heart of a mourning mother and if there's a chance that someone can just understand and guide me through this then i beg through the power of prayer and the breaking power of my heart to find a way to change the outcome of this situation!! God bless you and yours…
If you are blessed enough to have your small ones in your home tonight please take a moment and hug them…. I wish I would have known to hug mine a million times more….


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