On January 22nd, I came home from work complaining that my head hurt and as I pulled in there were cops in my driveway. My mom who moved in with us a couple of months prior and has early onset dementia disabled her phone so she could only call 911. My husband was talking to them and I went inside to talk about what happened. That’s the last thing I remember. 

I then remember being with my ED manager in the hospital I work at asking her if I had a stroke. She said I had a brain bleed. 

I ended up having a large ruptured aneurysm on my right vertebral side of my brain stem in the PICA section of the medulla which caused a hemorrhage.  I was transferred to our sister hospital where I had two surgeries for a coil embolization  procedure which is tiny platinum coils fed through a catheter in my groin to my brain and block the bleeding.  I had 17 coils (which is a lot) placed along with an EVD (external ventricular drain).  I was in Neuro ICU for a week and had right side deficits and trouble swallowing.  I was treated for aspiration pneumonia.  I couldn’t have anything by mouth except ice chips for 5 weeks.  I was then placed on a regular medical unit for another week and a half.  They put in a peg tube in my stomach to make it easier with my tube feeding. From the hospital I went to an acute rehab for almost a month to have OT, PT, and Speech therapy 7 days a week for 3 ½ hours a day. I had to learn how to transfer to wheelchair, toileting, bathe myself, put clothes on, and swallowing to feed myself without aspirating. My hair was so matted it came out in two huge clumps.  It’s going to take months for it to grow back. I had my seven staples removed from the incision on my head.  I then worked on walking with a walker and steps so I could navigate once I was home. 

I am home now with therapists coming to the house but I will be going to outpatient therapy hopefully by next week.  I can walk but my gait is still unstable and having half of your body numb and prickly doesn’t make things easy. I suffer from Wallenberg’s syndrome so I get dizzy, nauseous, hiccups, weakness and fatigue but it’s getting better.  I have chronic pain in my shoulder and hip and at times feels like my arm going to become dislocated when I try to hold something.  My right hand is very weak and I cannot write or type on a keyboard. I was instructed to not drive for at least 3 months and have to see Neurology in 6 months for a follow up angiogram to check on my aneurysm. I’m on a lot of medications now; some of which are very expensive even with insurance. I’m high risk for aspiration pneumonia again or another stroke.  I lost my job due to not qualifying for FMLA.  My short term disability is pending.  I was advised to apply for Medicare disability but that can take months even years to be approved.  I was the only one working and capable to drive supporting a family of five.  Our bills are pilling up along with my health insurance deductible.  Having the stress of everything doesn’t help in my healing process and I can’t sleep at night worrying on all of our expenses that aren’t getting paid.  I wonder if I’ll ever go back to work again. 

I wasn’t expecting this. It’s been life changing. My whole family is struggling with it. There are days that I just wish things were different and where did I go wrong to deserve any of this?  

My extended family all knows what happened but they aren’t calling me.  My oldest son is suffering from severe depression and needs help.  My husband tells me that my stroke was my own doing.  If I ask my daughter to help me she tells me no.  It’s embarrassing and I feel trapped with nowhere to go or have any answers. 

So, yes, I am asking for help. I need your help. My family needs your help.  Mental health compounded with huge medical setbacks will manifest into something unmanageable or unthinkable. I’m trying so hard to fix what I can. One day at a time.