Was God mad at me? I wasn’t worried about Covid in 2020, I didn’t have time to think about it like the rest of the world. 8 family members passed away in 2020, and my world was destroyed. As I was trying to grieve one family member, I get news that another family member died. It was all year long. I really thought I made God angry. My grandma, Peggy Hayes, was the first to pass. She suffered from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. 3 weeks prior to her death, she had no idea who I was, and I volunteered to help with the bathroom. Those 3 weeks were heartbreaking. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, and was put on hospice in April 2020. She lived in Houston, and her only child, my husband, Howard Cantwell, lived in McKinney with me and our 2 small children. My husband decided that he was going to stay in Houston and help take care of his mom until she passed. He was trying to get packed and make his flight to Houston, but he wasn’t feeling good. We both didn’t think too much about it. My husband had been in our room packing for quite a while. I went to him to see if I could help, and that’s when I found him in our closet floor, not moving or breathing. I started screaming and called 911 to get help. Performing CPR is a lot harder than it looks. His eyes were open during the whole hysterical nightmare I was experiencing. The ambulance, police and my parents arrived, and I don’t remember any of it. He died, and it was ruled to have been a massive heart attack. He was only 42. It was my job to tell his dying mother that her only child died, and I really don’t remember much of that either. So, I had to go to Houston so she could replace his name with mine in her trust and will, and go over a bunch of policies that I vaguely remember. My mother-in-law, Judith Cantwell, took her last breath on July 2nd, almost 2 months after her son died. I had to do everything that my husband was supposed to do, including an estate sale in Houston. My mom, my 2 kids and myself went to Houston to try and figure everything out. As we were driving back to McKinney, we couldn’t get ahold of my dad, Curtis Knigge. It was VERY unusual for him not to answer his phone. We asked my cousin to check on him. Too much time was passing, and we were getting increasingly worried, so we called 911 to check on him. I’m in my mother-in-laws car, driving it to McKinney, when I called my dad for the millionth time. An EMT answered, and my heart dropped. All they would tell me is that his vitals were good but he wasn’t responsive. Now, I’m following my mom home to McKinney; she has my 15 yr old daughter with her and I have my 6 yr old son with me. My mom gets off the freeway and parks at a convenience store. All I hear is her screaming, and I physically could not move or talk. Like my husband, I’m an only child as well, and my dad was my best friend. My mom told me that my dad suffered a massive brain bleed near the base of his brain, and he was on life support. We all made it to McKinney, and I went straight to bed. I got out of bed to be with my mom at the hospital. I played me and my dad’s favorite song, kissed all over his face, and listened to his last heart beats. It’s now October 2020, and I’m ready to call it quits on life. I just didn’t understand why this was all happening. Fast forward to today, and I’m still in my bed. I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD and severe anxiety disorder I’ve tried a lot of meds, shock therapy, and I’m now doing spravato treatment. Needless to say, when my kids lost their 2 grandmas, papa, and daddy, they also lost their mama. Right now I’m panicking because I’ve run out of money, no one will give me a loan, no one will hire me due to the gap in employment (I have a masters degree and 15+ yrs as an analyst), and my mom is barely making it herself. I don’t want to give up. I still have a lot to live for, but I feel like I’m drowning. I desperately need to get caught up on my utilities, phone and rent. I’m applying for jobs everyday, I’ve exhausted all loan companies, and I’m already negative $1,100 in my bank account. I’ve never reached out for help before because of my pride, but this is very serious, and I need to fight for my kids and 1 ½ yr old grandbaby. I really appreciate anyone who reads this. Thank you for thinking I’m worth my heartache and hardship being known. If anything at all, it was a little therapeutic writing about it. The other 4 family members that died in 2020 was my aunt, uncle, great uncle and my husband’s grandmother. Again, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope you have wonderful holidays and that God blesses you and yours.

Warmest regards,

Vanessa Cantwell