Hi, I'm ugly - pleased me to meet you.

At least that's how I feel and most often how I show up. No matter how well I seem to be...beneath my exterior is someone who has been TERRIFIED of the dentist, and now...I'm in dyer need of all sorts of dental miracles. Simply put...I feel plain ugly.

The girl in the picture was being fostered by her grandmother, and neglected. Dental appointments? Didn't happen. I don't think I knew the importance of seeing a dentist until I was older.

When I was 13, I fell and broke my teeth on asphalt. I skid on my face playing a game with my cousins and ruined my teeth forever. The next day, my aunt took me to a dental school where two students put temporary culk or something like that in my mouth and I thought it was a permanent fix...my aunt never told me it wasn't and that she was unwilling to pay for the actual permanent fix...and while I was in the food court at the mall, those two temporary teeth fell out of my face and onto my plate. I was MORTIFIED...I still dream about that to this day.

At that point...I learned how to not have anything to say, how to never hold my head up or square my shoulders...how to hide in plain sight...because I was ugly. Later on, I joined a church...I was 14...and an adult who should have guided me, someone I trusted wehn I was a teenager...instead told me to buy fake teeth. A whole top row that slides over my real teeth. They were way too big for my face. I couldn't speak with them in. I had to hide. I had to speak less. And that actually really broke my spirit. I really walked around with costume teeth from Amazon for three years.

But the anger is being revisited by my childhood in adulthood.

When I smile I turn my head or put my head down or cover my face with my hand. When I laugh I hide my face or move the phone or find some way to just... not let anyone see. I've spent years figuring out angles and lighting and ways to exist in the world without opening my mouth. Most times, I just choose not to..and I learned that years ago.

There was a time I could do a controlled smile, just kept my lips small. Nobody knew how bad it was because my front teeth weren't the worst part anymore...I had some work done...just what I could afford at 18...and that was honestly the beginning of my paralyzing fear of dentists. He gave me novacaine...and assured me that I'd be numb and wouldn't feel anything. The next thing I knew, I was tilted back listening to the sound of the drill while tears poured down my face because I felt every bit of it. The one time he paused, he told me my brain was fighting the numbing and that it was pretty much all in my head...and he kept going. I feel like I passed out from the pain...I was alone so I couldn't call anyone to help me get home...I just had to wait until I could see straight before I could get on the bus to go home...6 hours later. I think I decided then that I wouldn't see another dentist ever again...the nightmares still haunt me now.

So...I could hide as long as I didn't open my mouth wide. But now I can't hide it anymore and I'm back to being that teenager who never lifted her head because my teeth were broken.

I avoid looking at them when I brush. I cancel speaking engagements because I can't hide behind the mic anymore. The microphone isn't enough. Nothing's enough anymore.

I haven't been able to chew on my right side for more than ten years. I've worked around it... cutting food smaller... eating on one side... avoiding things that need real biting power. I told myself it was fine even though I knew it wasn't. The infections started. Like active infections - that caused me to have emergency extractions two years ago. The kind that can and have spread. My mouth is literally sick and I've been ignoring it because the alternative... the alternative is facing this paralyzing fear...one, of the dentist, and now two...the cost!

So I stopped going. For years...and now I'm here...where infections can actually kill me.

The decay got worse. The infections got worse. The shame got so much worse.

That's what kept me away. Not just the physical pain. But the knowledge that I wouldn't be believed if I said I was in pain. So I just didn't go back. Until last week...my teeth kept me up all night for the umpteenth time...no painkillers could help...and I broke down to go see a dentist.

His name is Dr. Avilo.

He wants me to feel better. He's willing to do everything he can to make sure I don't have pain. He spent hours with me taking scans and measurements and he never once made me feel ashamed or like I should have known better or done better. He just said... okay... here's what we're going to do. Here's how we're going to heal you. It makes me cry to think about having to find someone else. About subjecting myself to more trauma. I don't want my dignity stripped away from me anymore. That's what makes me cry. And I want to tell myself that I am worthy of care. That I deserve this. I need help believing that.

And he's not talking about making my teeth pretty. He's talking about making my mouth healthy. Treating the infections. Getting the bad teeth out. Doing gum surgery. Fixing what's actually broken from a medical standpoint.

That's why this matters. This isn't cosmetic. This is health.

Dr. Avilo asked me what I needed to feel safe. He listened when I told him about my fear. He didn't minimize it or tell me I was being dramatic. He just... believed me. And he said I could wear a mask during procedures so that I wouldn't have to see those scary tools they use and headphones to drown out the sound of the drill. Whatever I needed to feel like I had some control. Like I had some power back.

That's the difference.

But... I can't afford him.

The reality is I have a long road ahead of me that is going to be rather costly and as an employed person with dental insurance...I cannot afford even a tiny percentage of this work. My dental insurance gives me a maximum amount of $1,500 annually...and that has already been used up for the consultation and an front fill-in. I need 3 extractions, a front bridge, 3 implants, gum surgery and braces before I can get the bridge or implants.

If you've read this far, first...THANK YOU...second, my shame tried to keep me from asking for help..I cringe at the thought of having anyone read this...but I think the shame I'd have for the rest of my years would be worse than putting myself on the line to ask for what I need. If you can find it in your heart to help me on my dental recovery road, my heart thanks you a million times in this life and the next one!!! If you can't help, a thought and prayer goes a long way...and please feel free to share. My career is dedicated to children...my vow is recognize this pain in every child I come across and to make sure they feel seen, heard, supported, and beautiful every chance I get.