Please bare with me. My words aren't always understood as I mean them and part of the reason I decided to create this fundraiser. 

I'm currently unemployed. I have been a caregiver since 2020. About 2 weeks ago I lost my part-time position because of the symptoms I've been having mentally. 

I have a internalist doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I've been diabetic for 20 years. I needed a an emergency hysterectomy in July of 2002. I've had so much trauma in life but the medical trauma has been the worst.

I have insurance through the state of Illinois and I am grateful for the care that I do receive but right now I am looking to get services from mental health professionals that I have found from watching content on social media.

One of the things I would purchase would be a feelings wheel but I have yet to find the one that I think will serve me the best. 

I would like to start additional therapy virtually with a therapist that has more knowledge within CPTSD. 

Right now we are lucky and we have a home It's an apartment in Chicago. After my last therapy appointment I gained the awareness that it would be very wise of me to seek disability not that that will provide as much as me working like I used to. But something is definitely better than nothing. 

Also I need things such as handicap bars in my bathroom and other modifications here and there. I have scoliosis for my L5 down and I'm always in pain. 

The thing that I learned when I was young was that if I kept moving the pain wasn't usually worse if I was moving so sitting around didn't make sense. Now it feels like my pain is so high that I can't control my mind anymore and that's where I think there's a possibility that this is more than I've already been diagnosed with or even possibly misdiagnosed as.

I'm 41 years old now and the pain that I'm in sometimes is so unreal. My last doctor's appointment with my primary doctor suggested some of this could be neuropathy for my diabetes and having it so long. So in addition to all this I will be needing a endocrinologist a neurologist very soon.

I also broke my leg in 2017. I have a 7-in plates in my right fibula. I had broken it the first time and was in a boot. A few months after the boot was removed I rebroke it in the same place and needed surgery to fix my leg. I was there a weight bearing for a full year. 

I had cashed out my 401k that I had and used it to pay for rent and all of our necessities but we were about a few months short of making it. As soon as I was able to get into a boot and bear weight again I had started working at McDonald's because it was the closest place I could walk to. But unfortunately we were evicted and that's where things took a turn for the worse and we have been struggling to get ahead since.

What I have found works best for me is doing physical therapy that I have learned along the way. But the issue right now is my mentality. My mental health and the amount of pain that I'm in… it limits How often I can do this for myself (exercise).

I truly believe that if I could get my mental health into a better place that maybe I will be able to turn things around for us. I need more services than my health insurance can provide and if they can provide it I'm still jump those hoops to figure that out. 

I have been on this mental health journey a very long time and fighting so hard to get where I am today 

I also have two children they are both boys One is age 16 and one is age 19. My 16-year-old is struggling mentally as well and services are in place. My oldest lives with me and they are both great kids. My 16 year old is with his dad as he would rather be in that school district than the Chicago School District I live in. 

I want mental health for myself but I also feel that if I can get control of the things that are within me and diagnosed properly that maybe my diagnosis and knowledge can also assist my children in the future and possibly many other children that aren't even mine. 

It is a high possibility that I am also autistic. I was diagnosed ADHD in about 1996 and at that time they did not really view girls in the light of autism as they believed only boys who were nonverbal were autistic. Many females my age are now discovering that they're quirkiness and all the things that come with it are actually autism. I don't currently have a diagnosis but that's part of the reason I'm asking for help. 

I want to seek answers I want to seek therapy I need assistance in trying to obtain things that I literally cannot afford right now. 

I would appreciate any assistance advice or prayers are welcome to. 

If you can afford to help know I always pay it forward. I have helped more than I likely even remember and I don't need credit for that 

I want you to know that one day if I am in a better place and I have something that is useful to assist another that I will also be doing what you're doing today but at a future time.

If you are reading this and stuggling with your mental health I hear you, I see you, and I am validating you. 

You are not alone. We all struggle. Not everyone is willing to talk about it but I am 💯💯💯.

Right now I'm just finding I can't control my temperament like I used to. I'm struggling to not be triggered by all the trauma that I've seen including domestic abuse, parental abuse, and whatever else I'm yet to be aware of. 

My goal is that anything I raise will be used wisely to improve my mental health, become a mental health creator, and to save anything I can.

We have stuff. We don't need anything lavish or unnecessary in our lives. My focus will be keeping housing, groceries, utilities, cell phone bills, car insurance, car maintenance, and gaining additional mental health services for myself.

If you've read this far I appreciate you and I hope you have a great rest of this year and the following one!!!