Hello to anyone who reads this and Thank you. I honestly don't know where else to go for help and typing this just set off a hot flash from shame and anguish.

That screenshot of my bank account was taken last night. This morning, I received messages that it was overdrawn after my car insurance autopay was debited. Last month, I inquired about a home equity loan, but was denied due to no means to pay it back while I look for new employment. A friend and a cousin each gave me a bit of money this month, but health insurance and a utility wiped out the funds before I could buy groceries other than meat to make dog food for my two rescues. For my own dinner last night, I had the last of a meal replacement powder drink with popcorn. What happened to me?

I think about suicide daily, but would never go through it because of my dogs. The survivor's guilt would be too much if they perished and I didn't, so I would probably end myself anyway. I moved here, away from a comfortable job position and life overseas with amazing friends, to help my elderly mom who had a knee surgery go terribly wrong. Since then, however, her condition worsened, eventually landing her in assisted living near our original home in another state, so she could get to know the children of my oldest brother who passed away some years ago. The other siblings couldn't handle her new situation and she didn't copy well with the change after all. (I had offered several options to allow her remain in her own condo, but no.) – As for me and my dark thoughts, I was the one who had to wake her up to tell her that her firstborn died. She doesn't need to experience losing another child before her time.

Not to get into a complete long history of family drama, but I have spent thousands of dollars of my own money to take care of my mother without ever asking for help. Ten of thousands since the 2010's, at the expense of not even owning my own home. I just turned 61 and took and early out package from my job of 30 years to pay for bone graft surgery our company insurance refused to pay the almost $40K estimate. I thought at the time, I'm only 57. I can work 10 more years to make up the income, but I need to get rid of this infection and replace my teeth! (I had been hit head on by a drunk driver when I was 21, and still suffered problems stemming from more reconstructive surgery in 2006.) In lieu of insurance payments, the company offered a pre-paid medical card where anything was permissible, so I took it and went into real estate full-time.

Well, anyone who knows anything about the latest economic news can tell you, the housing market is pretty dismal unless you're at a certain price point. Like, it doesn't affect the 1%. Unfortunately, I didn't have them as clients and it cost more money to pay broker and MLS fees than I was earning, so I lived off my old 401k and took hit after hit on my taxes. Insult to injury, due to a deposit error with the final retirement payout going into a taxable account when we supposedly prepaid them, the IRS claimed I owed $23K in taxes in 2022. That's $725 garnished from my account every month for God knows how long, plus what I've incurred since then. A tax advocate said I had no case and a tax attorney wasn't willing to take me on.

I have applied for a HELOC on my house, but without a way to repay it, of course, they told me No. I asked my former Berkshire Hathaway manager to place me with a team, or even her team, but was told I didn't have the client base to join them. Really? (I hoped to have a team leader at least cover a CRM program and, hopefully, my broker fees.) I am online and have at least 7 different versions of my resume to apply for jobs. Haven't gotten any when they say they received over 100 applications from one site alone. So far, not even as a dog washer or Amazon Flex driver. 

I opened an Etsy store, but don't yet have sales. I'm selling my clothes on Poshmark. Have furniture listed on OfferUP. I started setting up my Rover sitter profile, but didn't have the $49 application fee. Tomorrow, my delivery driving app should approve my application, but I fear it's too late in the month to drive enough to cover my mortgage. With the small pension I have, I'm still $800 short every month, not including utilities, gas for my 2015 hybrid car, debt repayments, the huge tax bill, and to take care of my dogs. 

I have been unable to visit my mother, who's 95 now, since I drove across country with the dogs to stay a while. Even though I get free airfare, I still need a hotel and car rental. The animosity between my siblings and I grew so hostile that my sister and I haven't spoken in 4 years and my brother stopped answering my calls and texts last summer. Mom had fallen the year before and broke her other ankle and was now stuck in a rehab hospital the did very little to rehabilitate her. My brother lives 12 minutes from the facility and visits (not enough), but took the time to throw me under the bus when the facility's director called to say her outstanding bill was $38K. Why did they wait for it to get so high??? I had my mom on a waiting list to get on Medicaid. Suddenly, this director panicked and was able to fast-track the application, had it approved, and secured retroactive payment for all but about $5K. And guess who paid. It wasn't my siblings.

My cards are maxed out. My savings is gone, obviously. I sold off the last of my IRA stocks to pay my mortgage last month. And oh, had to have the HVAC come fix my 1998 original system that he said needs to be replaced. Last year, temps reached 122F here in the desert. I am seriously desperate now and need to get through the month. 

The coffee mug in front of me reads: "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." – You can purchase it on Etsy!

I know this is long, but in a way, it was cathartic for me. I would rather eat toothpaste than ask for money, but this, too, has to pass. And soon. I have faith. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Anything you can send to help will be greatly appreciated.

God bless. May your own days be kind to you and yours. 🙏